When Leah was born with three different heart defects, our world was momentarily brought to a halt. My baby girl, or Sweet Angel, as I call her, who had danced and spun herself around enough to wrap her cord around her throat a couple of times and almost caused my wife to go in for a c-section because the cord was keeping her from traveling down the tunnel - that daughter now had three abnormalities in her heart. This consumed us as we learned that it could affect her growth, weight gain, and breathing. This was not comforting news. We prayed. We asked others to pray. We took her to the cardiologist. (It still seems a bit scary saying that my 20-month old has a cardiologist.) We got good news. The defects were there but didn't seem to be a major cause of concern to the cardiologist. In fact, we haven't been back to see him since that first visit in February 2010.
Occasionally, when Teresa or my mom tell me that I don't discipline her as consistently as I should, I joke that she has a heart condition to which they reply, "Yeah, it's called sin." Now, I know my Sweet Angel is really no angel and I know she has a sinful heart, but for some reason I just can't come down on her like I do the other kids. She's not a favorite - she's just...Leah Baby Girl.
Now for the real reason I posting all of this - Leah does have a heart condition, both in the physical sense and the spiritual sense but I'm more reminded of late, of my own heart condition.
No, I haven't had a heart attack or any other physiological heart difficulty, but I do have a heart condition. And like Leah's, it's called sin.
Teresa has told me several times that I was way more patient when we were dating. Obviously, from a human perspective, this is easy to understand. I was trying to woo her, to win her, to convince her that I was worthy of her affection and love. But what about God's perspective and that of the Scriptures? Is it so easy to understand when thinking in those terms?
I used to think it wasn't so easy to understand. After all, how could I, as a believer who is to be growing in godliness regress instead of progress? That doesn't make much sense to me. She must just be blind. Either that, or she knows how to better push my buttons to surpass my wonderfully patient demeanor. While I don't doubt that the latter is true, this is neither the point nor the reason for my seeming regression. I say "seeming" because in reality there has been no regression. In fact, the very opposite is true. I have grown in my patience since we've been hitched. Are you confused yet? It all goes back to Leah's heart condition. Her heart has three very real defects. They are there and can be dangerous. But by God's grace, they have not affected her at all. That is, they have not manifested as a problem. They are there but hidden, so to speak, because of their lack of visible manifestation. You see, my heart condition while dating Teresa was the same it is today - impatient and quick-tempered. But it didn't show on the outside so she presumed I was more patient then. The reality is that I wasn't more patient, but my desire for her affection and love was greater than my desire to react in anger or impatience when something didn't go my way. And now that I've "got her" (for lack of a better term only), I don't have to hide what was there all along. Pretty poor thinking, huh?
I agree. And now that God has allowed me to see this so clearly, the process of growth and change can begin in this area of my life.
Teresa,
It has not been my intention to deceive you, but I did. It has not been my intention to respond poorly when things don't go my way, but I have. I haven't become more impatient, I've just stopped hiding what was always there. While it's respectable to admit that it's always been there, it's sinful that I haven't dealt with it until now. God says I am to treat you as a fragile vessel - patient and kind. I now commit myself to dealing with my sin at the heart level so it will be lasting change. Please forgive me and continue to pray for me. Thank you for being an instrument in God's hand to show me my sin.
For the rest of you, heed Jeremiah's words - your heart is deceitful and can't be trusted. So if your spouse or anyone close to you is bold and loving enough to point something out to you, don't just dismiss it. Ask yourself what could be lying under the surface at the heart level. None of us are immune to the blinding nature of our own sin. I certainly haven't been. My intent in this post is not to highlight, condone, or parade my sin. My desire is that you will see one man's honest struggle with matters of the heart and be encouraged that God is faithful and just to forgive and cleanse, just as He promises. After all, He also promised to continue in you the good work begun.
